Vulnerability and MANhood

One thing I am learning both in loving my wife well and in respect to the Gospel is how to be open, honest and vulnerable. The funny thing about being vulnerable is that no one does it, yet everyone wants it. Everyone, in the core of their being, wants others be open about themselves and their struggles. Why? Because they too want to be just as vulnerable and open but fear what might happen in a non-safe (emotionally) situation. When we volunteer our true feelings and thoughts and (to the men, dare I say) emotions, we are opening ourselves up to jokes, criticism and maybe even embarrassment. But one thing I'm learning is that when you risk those things, all of which deal with pain and hurt, you have the opportunity of something even more scary yet a hundred times greater: being known.

 As a male, we are told to be careful not to let anyone know how we're feeling or don't dare show any emotions. Yesterday I had lunch with a friend of mine who grew up in a difficult situation where when supper time rolled around, if his father found out he got bullied or punked that day, he was not allowed to eat until he went back to the kid who bullied him and returned the favor. Or what's worse, with little to no emotional interaction with his father per his father's demands to show no emotion or feelings or you were considered weak or less-than-manly, he has had a tough hill to climb to not repeat the same thing with his kids.

 As we sat and talked over breakfast I discovered something I had been "investigating"  the week or so leading up to that meal. (Sidenote: when meeting with a pastor before getting married, he suggested to Lauren and I that we ask an older couple over for supper or meet with them simply to learn from their experiences-both negative and positive-and allow them to speak truth into our marriage/family) The last Tuesday, we had a couple over for the first of many suppers that I had spoken with and asked about discipling us (a christian buzzword for training up and pointing one to Christ) us as a couple and they graciously agreed. The funny thing is, the more they opened up and shared about mistakes in their relationship that happened 10 years ago or the week before, their vulnerability gave us the freedom (and security) as well to share problems we have and struggles that show up day after day in communication or in the understanding of each other or even ourselves. This allowed for growth and instruction. While we, at first, might have felt embarrassed to share, we soon realized we were not alone and having a community around us helps us realize that everyone has problems and arguments. There is so much freedom in bringing others into your struggle, even when its hard or scary.

As a husband and (Biblically) the head of our household, I dont want to be a sour, stoic man that just grunts and carries my club around as my knuckles drag the floor waiting for my wife to finish cleaning so she can fix me food. I want to be emotionally involved and that only comes from being open and vulnerable myself about what I am feeling. It is scary at times but the more I let Lauren in on who I am and get to know the real me, she is actually a better wife because of it as she can see my needs and know my heart without having to guess. This helps her then be able to point me back to Christ when the answers are not always clear, cut-and-dry. I don't have this all figured out but the Lord is teaching me and I hope I can encourage you as you read about how He is redeeming our marriage every day.

Now We're Cookin' With Gas!

Back in the winter when we registered for our wedding gifts (online because we were out of the country), I picked out a grill on the Target website. I didn't pick out many things for myself other than a handful of tool kits and a few power tools and then the one big item: our grill.

Assembly was required so because of our busy first few weeks of marriage, it sat in the box waiting to be both put together and put to use. Everyday I walked by that box I looked forward to grilling out some burgers, yet at the same time worried about the process of putting it together. I knew there would be tons of small screws and specific instructions that if you messed up a small thing or lost an important washer or nut, could lead to lots of headaches.

Finally last weekend I had some time and began to assemble it. It took about 2 hours total and as I approached the end following every instruction to a "T" I ran into a snag. It came as I was mounting the big bowl/grill to the stand. For some reason the holes just wouldn't line up to put a screw through connecting the the left and right sides of the the grill to the stand. I mean it wasn't even close. Sometimes you can line up at least one or two holes but all four might not. In this case, the way it was set on there, not even one set of holes would line up for some reason. I figured I'd figure the problem out later but in the mean time I'd go ahead and finish the last remaining screws and set it up to impress my new wife.

After consulting with my dad, I realized what the problem was:  I had the two "legs" on each side of the base on the wrong side (so they were facing the wrong way) preventing the holes from lining up on the sides. So me and my beautiful, motivated wife disassembled the grill nearly completely and put it back together correctly in about 20 minutes. Now it is fully functional and we have used it multiple times in the past week. I finally feel like the man of the house now that I have a grill.

a happy, holy home

After a full month of marriage we are learning so much about each other and building a home that is not always so much just a happy family but rather a Holy one. I read a book a few months ago that had that as its premise, "What if the main purpose of marriage was not to make you happy but holy?"  That's our prayer for our marriage and if you're reading this, I hope that when you pray for us, that is your prayer as well.

One of the things that some of our friends who are married back in East Asia did was being intentional about still dating. Many of the couples we know still take a date day about once a week and so we've been doing that, seeing the value in continuing to pursue each other and to still have fun. One day we did a date-lunch where we went to the mall to use our gift card at Cheesecake Factory and enjoyed a great lunch together and walked around. Other options we have done are heat up leftovers and just chill at the house, rent a movie or a night of playing cards.

Because we already had plans set for tonight, (Sept. 4th) which is our 1 month anniversary, we made plans to go out last night. The main thing we had planned was going to a sushi restaurant in Raleigh (Sushi Nine. We recommend it!) because they have all-day every-day, buy-one-get-one-free sushi rolls. On the way we stopped at North Hills mall in Raleigh to look around, shop a bit at Target and REI among other places. Then we left to grab supper at the restaurant and ended our night at Crabtree Valley Mall were we walked around and Lauren got to look for some cute clothes and try on some things.

We had a great afternoon and evening together and look forward to many, many more date nights.